[Dion's expression softens along with the set of his shoulders. His eyes drop from Ifrit's face and he wrestles with the contrasting mix of emotion. He'd more than half-expected he would not approve- and a part of him certainly feels he shouldn't.
But matters are too delicate now to attempt an argument. Yet still it is difficult to simply accept. His weight shifts, discomfited]
[Watching Dion like this, Clive nearly forgets that he is the same man who once bore the wings of an entire nation's hope, because right now he is just...a man. A man with feelings and insecurities, but still enough bravery to stand before Clive and take whatever he feels he deserves.
Distantly, from across the years, Clive hears a gravelly voice speak of men and knacks and he closes his eyes for a moment, taking the time to breathe.]
He has grown very fond of you.
[Love might be the word Dion seeks, but Clive has no way of knowing if Joshua has confessed that to Dion yet. He will not betray his brother's trust.]
[Dion meets Clive's eyes again, searching. Mayhap he does not know.
There is a self-destructive urge to provoke that lives beneath his skin. He knows well how to pick a fight here if he wants one, but with Joshua as the collateral, cannot bring himself to consider it further.
Instead he folds his arms and considers how to answer]
He is optimistic. Joshua knows the promises I can make as I am now are limited. Despite several attempts to dissuade him however, he has made his position rather clear. ..Having said that, you should know I would not have accepted if I did not believe there is a chance he could succeed.
[Dion had a lover. That, too, is on Clive's mind, but he has no idea if Dion told Joshua in confidence. Clive won't potentially betray their trust with each other when it isn't absolutely necessary. If Dion wants him to know, then he'll say it. But for now, Clive just nods and rests his hands on his hips, a small smile teasing at his lips.]
You have learned that not only is he optimistic, but persistent, as well.
[Clive exhales before moving on, a little more serious.]
I will tell you what I told Joshua. You have already made up your mind and even if I wanted to put my foot down, it would be a useless endeavour. But I don't want to do that. My brother's happiness is a precious thing that I do not intend to snuff out. Do I wish it were guaranteed? Of course. But even as his Shield, I cannot feasibly protect him from every single thing. I shouldn't, otherwise he will never be able to live, for good or ill.
[That's a hard pill to swallow. It still feels a little wrong to let Joshua make decisions that could lead to heartbreak. But keeping him sheltered forever would be something their Mother would have done and Clive knows for certain that that is the worst option.]
[He deserves worse, and Joshua deserves better. With cold unease, Dion thinks even if he were to pick the fight he wants, Ifrit might well see through it.
His frown deepens. However vaguely couched, he'd laid out the board and Ifrit had chosen, at worst, neutrality. Which is well enough, as although he is far from afraid of retaliation, has already spent too long strangled beneath such shadows to do aught but confront them now.
But it is for Joshua's happiness that Ifrit offers his tentative approval. And mayhap he has also come to the conclusion that it would be a losing battle for all involved if they were at odds.
Dion drops his arms, expression clearing]
A truce, then. My word that I will not intentionally damage Joshua nor set him up for failure.
[Upon seeing Dion's arms drop, Clive thinks they have finally reached some understanding. And, in a way, they have, though it is hardly the attitude on which he wants to end this discussion.]
Dion.
[If there is a hint of frustration in his tone, Clive hopes it isn't too harsh to Dion's ears. He shakes his head before continuing.]
We are not at war, you and I. There is no need for a truce. Not when I freely give my blessing.
[Then, to acquiesce a little, he bows his head.]
Pray, forgive me if I have given you any other impression.
[A blessing freely given. They are not at war. For a moment it is as though he can hear Terence, assuring him that despite feeling besieged both on the field and off of it, not everything is a battle.
He is not besieged here and there is no field to speak of; it is only that he is accustomed to conducting himself as such.
Dion exhales a careful breath and unwinds the tension in his bearing]
You have not; such is my own failing, I'm afraid. Never would I seek to set myself against you. It is why I asked Joshua to speak with you. [Though he had done so in the hopes he would have before]
Whilst he is too terribly fond to hold my many crimes against me, you have every reason to do so. Thus I am well aware I have no right to ask aught of you- your blessing least of all.
[Even here, even now, Dion allows his sins to drag him down when he has the chance to start anew. Then again, despite how many years have passed, Clive's guilt still follows him like a shadow. He supposes the difference is that he can walk forward and look at that shadow and recognize that it is a part of him. But it doesn't weigh him down like it once did, like it seems to be doing for Dion.
These things take time. Self-loathing and misery are not ailments one can dispel overnight. Though why Dion thinks his crimes are a personal affront to Clive is something he doesn't entirely understand. Yes, he and Joshua fought and fought and fought to subdue Bahamut at Twinside, but they did so willingly, not out of fear.]
I cannot tell you how to feel, nor would I want to, but I want you to know I hold no ill will toward you. You don't have to understand or agree with me. But regardless of who we are or who we might have been or what either of us have done at any point in our lives, you can ask this of me.
[Clive takes a step closer to Dion, his own arms falling to his sides. When next he speaks, his voice softer, quieter, slightly more intimate.]
Not just because it would make my brother happy, though I cannot deny that is a bias of mine. But because we are men. And we deserve the choice to live.
[He does not take a step back and will not run from this. He long deserves any retribution given him. And so Dion meets Ifrit's eyes and braces himself for it.
But it is not condemnation, and rather sounds of a forgiveness that sets his heart racing with a different sort of uncertainty. No ill will, as though his sins matter not, and left little avenue with which to pursue it. He thinks anger would be easier to handle than this soft appeal.
There is a terrible understanding in those eyes, and Dion breaks from them with a hard breath. His hands quake and he curls them into fists at his sides. He feels.. unmoored, his thoughts fragmented and scattered- as though he is seventeen and vulnerable in the face of pressure. Only he knows well how to function under pressure- this is the easing of burdens that he flounders with now. How terrible that he has grown so used to their weight that he would almost rather keep them.
The only person you have wronged here is yourself.
He huffs strained amusement and shakes his head]
Jill and Joshua both assured me you would not object, and still it remains a wonder to me.
[He shifts, then settles and drags up a faint smile as he finds his footing]
But it occurs to me that I have rather unfairly compared you to the morbol's lair that comprised the Sanbrequois court- and for that I most sincerely apologize.
Edited (Im done editing i swear) 2024-12-09 07:47 (UTC)
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no subject
But matters are too delicate now to attempt an argument. Yet still it is difficult to simply accept. His weight shifts, discomfited]
..Has he told you why he is courting me?
no subject
Distantly, from across the years, Clive hears a gravelly voice speak of men and knacks and he closes his eyes for a moment, taking the time to breathe.]
He has grown very fond of you.
[Love might be the word Dion seeks, but Clive has no way of knowing if Joshua has confessed that to Dion yet. He will not betray his brother's trust.]
Need he any other reason?
no subject
There is a self-destructive urge to provoke that lives beneath his skin. He knows well how to pick a fight here if he wants one, but with Joshua as the collateral, cannot bring himself to consider it further.
Instead he folds his arms and considers how to answer]
He is optimistic. Joshua knows the promises I can make as I am now are limited. Despite several attempts to dissuade him however, he has made his position rather clear. ..Having said that, you should know I would not have accepted if I did not believe there is a chance he could succeed.
no subject
You have learned that not only is he optimistic, but persistent, as well.
[Clive exhales before moving on, a little more serious.]
I will tell you what I told Joshua. You have already made up your mind and even if I wanted to put my foot down, it would be a useless endeavour. But I don't want to do that. My brother's happiness is a precious thing that I do not intend to snuff out. Do I wish it were guaranteed? Of course. But even as his Shield, I cannot feasibly protect him from every single thing. I shouldn't, otherwise he will never be able to live, for good or ill.
[That's a hard pill to swallow. It still feels a little wrong to let Joshua make decisions that could lead to heartbreak. But keeping him sheltered forever would be something their Mother would have done and Clive knows for certain that that is the worst option.]
no subject
His frown deepens. However vaguely couched, he'd laid out the board and Ifrit had chosen, at worst, neutrality. Which is well enough, as although he is far from afraid of retaliation, has already spent too long strangled beneath such shadows to do aught but confront them now.
But it is for Joshua's happiness that Ifrit offers his tentative approval. And mayhap he has also come to the conclusion that it would be a losing battle for all involved if they were at odds.
Dion drops his arms, expression clearing]
A truce, then. My word that I will not intentionally damage Joshua nor set him up for failure.
no subject
Dion.
[If there is a hint of frustration in his tone, Clive hopes it isn't too harsh to Dion's ears. He shakes his head before continuing.]
We are not at war, you and I. There is no need for a truce. Not when I freely give my blessing.
[Then, to acquiesce a little, he bows his head.]
Pray, forgive me if I have given you any other impression.
no subject
He is not besieged here and there is no field to speak of; it is only that he is accustomed to conducting himself as such.
Dion exhales a careful breath and unwinds the tension in his bearing]
You have not; such is my own failing, I'm afraid. Never would I seek to set myself against you. It is why I asked Joshua to speak with you. [Though he had done so in the hopes he would have before]
Whilst he is too terribly fond to hold my many crimes against me, you have every reason to do so. Thus I am well aware I have no right to ask aught of you- your blessing least of all.
no subject
These things take time. Self-loathing and misery are not ailments one can dispel overnight. Though why Dion thinks his crimes are a personal affront to Clive is something he doesn't entirely understand. Yes, he and Joshua fought and fought and fought to subdue Bahamut at Twinside, but they did so willingly, not out of fear.]
I cannot tell you how to feel, nor would I want to, but I want you to know I hold no ill will toward you. You don't have to understand or agree with me. But regardless of who we are or who we might have been or what either of us have done at any point in our lives, you can ask this of me.
[Clive takes a step closer to Dion, his own arms falling to his sides. When next he speaks, his voice softer, quieter, slightly more intimate.]
Not just because it would make my brother happy, though I cannot deny that is a bias of mine. But because we are men. And we deserve the choice to live.
no subject
But it is not condemnation, and rather sounds of a forgiveness that sets his heart racing with a different sort of uncertainty. No ill will, as though his sins matter not, and left little avenue with which to pursue it. He thinks anger would be easier to handle than this soft appeal.
There is a terrible understanding in those eyes, and Dion breaks from them with a hard breath. His hands quake and he curls them into fists at his sides. He feels.. unmoored, his thoughts fragmented and scattered- as though he is seventeen and vulnerable in the face of pressure. Only he knows well how to function under pressure- this is the easing of burdens that he flounders with now. How terrible that he has grown so used to their weight that he would almost rather keep them.
The only person you have wronged here is yourself.
He huffs strained amusement and shakes his head]
Jill and Joshua both assured me you would not object, and still it remains a wonder to me.
[He shifts, then settles and drags up a faint smile as he finds his footing]
But it occurs to me that I have rather unfairly compared you to the morbol's lair that comprised the Sanbrequois court- and for that I most sincerely apologize.